Why Self Care Isn’t Enough & What You Really Need To Do
We hear a lot, these days, about the importance of self-care. Taking time out to pamper yourself with a massage, read a book, visit with friends, or take that much needed vacation are important activities that bring down our cortisol levels, or stress hormones. In fact, I preach self-care on the daily to my therapy and coaching clients.
But have you ever done some form of self-care only to go back to feeling stressed, overwhelmed, anxious or depressed soon after it was over? That’s because you are forgetting about self-care’s teammate: self-work.
Self-work is what really moves the needle on our road to happiness and health. Not enough people talk about, even less put it into practice and most people confuse it with self-care.
This is why we keep googling “how to get rid of stress”, “how to be happy”, “how to treat depression naturally”, and “omg are my kids trying to kill me?!” Self-work is the deeper work that many of us need to do to move into a more contented and peaceful existence.
While self-care is the daily activity we do to help ourselves relax and destress, self-work is an intentional process of understanding ourselves; what gets us anxious, what makes us depressed, how to continue, if we decide, to communicate well with our loved ones. It’s the work of how we think and why we think the way we do and how to improve our thoughts and behaviors so we can live more fulfilling lives. It is often the missing link for my clients and it may be the missing link for you, too.
Here are 5 things you can do today to practice self-work:
Make a list of the top 5 thing you want to change about your life this year, prioritized with the most urgent at the top.
Take #1 on your list and list 3 things you can do today to work toward that goal. Some ideas include:
Listen to a podcast. Podcasts are great because you can listen to them when you’re doing everyday tasks like driving, cleaning, cooking, getting ready in the morning, going for a walk, or waiting in the school pick up line. All you have to do is search the topic in the “browse” section of your podcast app to find related shows.
Read a book. There are more books out there on mental health, personal development and relationships than you’ll ever be able to read in a lifetime. If you want to go super deep into one of the things in your top 5, a book may be what you need. You can read reviews on Goodreads and amazon, choose physical or kindle and go at your own pace. If you like the benefit of multitasking with a podcast, you can dive into audiobooks.
Poll facebook. I’m not suggesting you post on your feed asking your friends and family for help with your issues. Aunt Nancy doesn’t need to know you’re struggling setting boundaries with your “oversharing aunt who is always complaining”. I’m suggesting you go to a private facebook group where you are a member and ask people how they handle the “thing” you want to work on. You can even ask anonymously in most facebook groups or ask an admin to post anonymously for you. Just be sure to turn on notifications for that post.
Write your top goal on a post it and stick it on your bathroom mirror so it’s the first thing you see you wake up and right before you go to bed. We’re so busy that even when we have the best intentions and are super fired up to do something, life gets in the way and we just forget. When you notice you’re not really seeing the post it because you’re used to it being there…move it. Keep that #1 top of mind.
Make a Bye List. No, I did not say a BUY list. I love retail therapy just as much as the next woman but I also know the high doesn’t last. I’m talking about a Bye List; a specific list of everything (and maybe even everyone) that/who is holding you back from hitting your #1 goal. Keep this list on your phone or in your makeup drawer. Somewhere you will see it daily but isn’t as in the open as your post it note.
Don’t start on #2-5 until you have made significant progress with #1. We often make the mistake to change all the things at once but all that does is leave us overwhelmed and frustrated and back where we started.
Self-work is often best done with help. As the saying goes, “you don’t know what you don’t know.” And in this case, it’s true. If you’re feeling stuck, reach out to a therapist, life coach or spiritual advisor; someone you feel truly gets you and can help you and your unique needs because personal development and mental health is not one size fits all. If you’d like to chat to see if I am that person for you, reach out here. I got you.